i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize