Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
