Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
