also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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