what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she smelled like a LAN party
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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