I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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