Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
