I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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