bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
