His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Vodka?
Forever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
