the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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