Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
