No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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