You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
