I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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