I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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