i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
