Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
