Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
