I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Boobs speak an international language.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
