if you like me you must not know who I am
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
