I think my vagina is haunted
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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