what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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