hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
