1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
