Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
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