paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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