I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
