worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
