I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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