shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
