im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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