Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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