So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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