you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
