I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said âEat Freshâ while his GF was with him. FML
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