Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
