Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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