Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize