it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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