K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
