A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
