i may or may not be watching the land before time
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Two words: blizzard sex
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
