i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
