this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
