She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
