Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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