please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
