friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
