why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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