Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
