Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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