Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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