the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
