just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
