I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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