porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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