Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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