i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
