I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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