Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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